Dear Hostess

Dear Hostess,

When I said I didn't want to seat a deuce at my open table of four, I didn't mean that I wanted two parents, a newborn and a two year old to sit there.

My section has six tables. Is it really necessary to fill four of them within five minutes? And why must you say my name when you give them the menus? Couldn't you at least make up a fake one? I don't need them screaming my name across the dining room.

When I give you my subtle death stare, it means, "I served those two at lunch, don't you dare sit them in my section for dinner." It can also mean, "Don't you dare let those four switch tables. Tell them the window is reserved, tell them it's drafty, say anything at all but DON'T sit them in my section now."

When you answer the phone, be sure to tell that party of eight that an eighteen percent gratuity is automatically added for parties of six or more. I don't want any surprises when they show up, and I certainly don't want to deal with any 12%, separate check, high maintenance crap.

Also, you're showing too much cleavage.

Love,

Your Server